


What Could Have Been

by Primarina (sherlockstummy)



Series: Righting Wrongs [1]
Category: Game Grumps
Genre: Crying, Depression, Gen, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I Made Myself Cry, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Men Crying, Sad with a Happy Ending, mentions of Dan's past
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-14
Updated: 2017-12-14
Packaged: 2019-02-14 20:20:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13015398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sherlockstummy/pseuds/Primarina
Summary: Dan finally realizes why he feels a kinship with Sayori.





	What Could Have Been

**Author's Note:**

> THIS STORY CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR DOKI DOKI LITERATURE CLUB! If you do not want to be spoiled, turn back now.
> 
> This story also has suicide in it, as well as suicidal thoughts, so if you are triggered by that, I suggest you stay away for your own safety.
> 
> There is, however, no major character death. (Sort of.) So, don't worry about that. :)

Dan had been…oddly suspicious when Ross had encouraged them to keep playing Doki Doki Literature Club. 

Sure, he enjoyed a good anime girl just as much as the next guy, and Dan had to admit, the random words on the poems were pretty funny, and the girls were hot, and Arin’s robot Monika was hilarious. But it was a slow series, and Dan knew the fans would start to get bored with it.

But maybe there was something to it. Arin seemed to have an inkling, the cheeky fucker. Dan could just see it in his eyes.

But something was already putting Dan ill at ease about the game. Sayori in particular. The night after they’d filmed the episode with Sayori’s second poem, something just didn’t…feel right. He kindly asked the subreddit for a spoiler-free screenshot of the poem, or something similar, and by morning, he found several replies. 

He typed out a general thank you to everyone for participating and closed the topic after saving the screenshots to his phone, just so he didn’t have a thousand messages in the evening when he got home.

He read through the poem again, really seeing the words this time instead of trying to concentrate on keeping up a silly voice. 

“Happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts in bottles, all in a row….Sometimes my friend feels a certain way, Down comes a bottle to save the day.”

Why did that…resonate with him so much? He supposed, in a way, that he felt a kindred spirit with Sayori, and not only because he was voicing her. It seemed like she wanted to make everyone happy, because she didn’t want anyone to be sad. And he was the same way. He wanted his friends to be happy, to feel like they were loved and safe. He didn’t like seeing anyone—even someone he just met—cry and be sad.

“Friend after friend, more bottles. Deeper and deeper my fingers go. Like exploring a dark cave…My empty shelf could use some more….I frantically pull them from the shelf, one after the other. Holding them out to each and every friend. Each and every bottle. But every time I let one go, it shatters…”

Dan had never been good at deciphering poetry, but he could feel this in this very soul. Hell, he felt it after every tour, every live show. There’s a feeling there that always did linger with him, of giving and giving and giving, and feeling lonely, like you have nothing left. Until you feel empty inside.

Well, thank goodness he doesn’t feel it so strongly anymore. He knows he has good friends here, a stable group to support him. He doesn’t have to give and get nothing back, not from them.

He might need to give Arin a hug when he comes to collect him for the sesh. 

“Yo, you ready to record, man?”

Speak of the devil. Arin leans over the couch with a big dumb grin on his face. He’s been hinting for a while that the game is gonna get good soon, probably this session, and from what Dan has been seeing, the fans are really excited, too. He doesn’t realize he’s shed a few tears from looking at the poem—the poem from a stupid dating sim, about a fictional character, no less—until Arin’s smile drops from his face and a warm hand drops to his shoulder. 

“Hey, Dan, you doing okay, man?”

Dan nods, smiling as he rubs his eye to dispel the waiting tears. “Yeah, ‘m fine. I was reading something sad, and I got caught up in it.” He locks his phone and stands up, stepping hesitantly towards his friend. Arin doesn’t hesitate, bless him, and pulls Dan forward in an embrace.

Dan smiles, chuckling a little against Arin’s shoulder. He can smell Arin’s shampoo and a faint whiff of Old Spice under the salty tang of ever-present sweat, and as he wraps his arms tightly around his friend’s waist and feels Arin’s heat radiating off of him in waves, warming him up like little else can (honestly, damn his poor circulation!), he feels that sense of safety and security that he always feels with Arin, here in the Grump Space. It’s home. And it, oddly, feels more like home than his actual house sometimes.

After what seems like hours, but is probably about a minute, Arin pulls back. Everyone’s busy, so no one’s really out and about to see them. Dan can hear Matt and Ryan chatting quietly in the kitchen; maybe they’d seen it. But he doesn’t care. The only “egobang” that’s real is the strong platonic love and friendship that he and Arin have for each other.

They don’t separate completely, remaining close, and Dan is thankful for that. Personal space? What personal space? He’s always been like this with Arin. It felt natural from Day 1. He smiles, and Arin’s warm hands teasingly slide up from his hips to just under his ribs. Dan giggles slightly, wriggling under the ticklish touch. Arin chuckles. 

“Feeling better?”

“Yeah, man. Thanks.”

“Anytime, Snuggle Man.” Arin smiles. “C’mon, let’s go record more Doki Doki.”

Dan snorts, nodding, and follows behind Arin.

~

Dan is thinking more and more that this is a bad idea.

The game audio has completely stopped, and now it’s just a black screen with the familiar pink text box below.

Arin’s even stopped doing the voice he picked for the main character. He’s picked up on the mood for sure.

“Outside Sayori’s room, I knock on her door.” Arin reads. “Sayori? Wake up, dummy.”

“Arin…” Dan curls up, hugging his legs to his chest. He’s shaking slightly. He knows by now what’s going to happen, though he’s going to hope against all hope that it’s not going to be what he expects.

Come on, he thinks. Have her be masturbating with a tentacle dildo. Please.

“But she really leaves me no choice.” Arin hesitantly moves the mouse to click, biting his lower lip. “I gently open the door.”

The sudden music makes Dan cry out in surprise, and he jumps so violently that he knocks his knee into the microphone. His eyes flitter over the screen, over the sight of Sayori’s body hanging there, lifeless.

“No…” He’s trembling now, as the game’s music and images distort. 

He now knows why he identified with Sayori so much. 

She was depressed. Depressed enough…to kill herself.

Like he’d thought about doing himself, once or twice.

Arin is just as in shock as Dan. “Holy shit,” he says quietly into his mic. “Matt, Ryan…we’re going to need a trigger warning for this.”

Dan can feel tears welling up behind his eyes, sobs building in his chest. “I…I can’t…” He gets up, pushing the mic aside before there’s recorded audio of him crying. (Not that he thinks Matt or Ryan would use it, but more to save face for his own sake.) He ignores Arin’s confused call of his name, and runs out into the Space, looking for a place to break down safely. 

Ironically, he settles for Arin’s office. It’s small, enclosed, dark. He enters quickly and curls up on the couch, pulling the curtains closed as he hides his face in his knees and lets himself cry.

“Happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts in shards all over the floor.”

~

It’s been a few minutes. Dan’s sobs have calmed somewhat, though he still feels raw and desperately sad. His hands are still shaking, and his eyes feel weirdly cry from all the crying.

The door turns, clicks open, but Dan feels numb.

He would have greatly preferred tentacle porn.

“Dan?”

It’s Arin. He can hear Arin’s footsteps, and then a shadow appears along the curtain before Arin opens it, and Arin is there, sitting beside him, pulling him close to his side even though Dan is still curled up tight. 

“Dan…I’m so sorry. I didn’t know.”

Dan believes him. Arin wouldn’t have been stupidly excited about a suicide. 

“Why?” Dan’s voice is hoarse, and the tremor in it brings the promise of more tears. “Why did she…?”

“I don’t know,” Arin says softly, shifting so he can wrap his arms around Dan fully. “I guess she was just…sad.” He doesn’t say “get over it” or “she’s a cartoon! There’s no reason to be sad!” But it’s Arin. Arin understands what it’s like to get attached to fictional characters. They’re both writers, in their own right. And the way dating sims are set up, you’re supposed to be attached to the characters.

Dan thinks back to the final conversation with Sayori, how she’d told the main character she couldn’t get up in the morning, that she wanted to draw attention away from herself, so that no one would worry about her. How he’d internally cringed (and he wonders if it can be heard on the audio) at the main character’s response, how that was the least helpful thing to say…

The death scene has brought back memories he’s long since buried since he went on Prozac, went to France, decided that he didn’t need the pills anymore and threw them into the Seine. He wouldn’t have hanged himself, but…

Dan uncurls finally, resting against Arin’s shoulder. He realizes that Arin’s fingers are tracing a nonsense pattern on his back. Arin is so sweet. He’s so lucky to be here. 

He knows all too well that there are Sayoris out there who take the same way out. He’d never blame them, he’d never even call it “giving up.” It just makes him sad, because he knows what it’s like to be there.

“I…I almost did kill myself,” Dan says quietly, more into Arin’s tee shirt than anything, but Arin nods once to show he’s listening. Dan shifts, getting more comfortable so that he’s pressed up against Arin’s side. “I gave away or sold most of the stuff I had that was valuable, monetarily or sentimentally. Most of it was old Giants merch, but there were a few ticket stubs and backstage passes…stuff that I kept. My first base.” He sighs shakily. “I…I had a toy Eeyore. I’d had it for ages, maybe since I was three, or something, I don’t remember, but when I started struggling, Dana sent it to me at college, and I…” His breath hitches over a sob, and Arin makes a soft sound, hugging him tighter.

“You don’t have to t—”

“It’s okay,” Dan sighs, fidgeting with a hole in his jeans. “In light of…this…I feel like you should know.” He closes his eyes. “I took it to a park where I used to go smoke. Found a nice spot by the pond, where I used to watch the sun set. I’d stolen a spoon from the school cafeteria, and I started to dig a hole. And I, uh, I buried it, because I was so sure I wasn’t going to need it anymore.” He sniffles, wiping a tear from his eye. “I called my family, told them I was coming home for the weekend. A last goodbye. I thought about overdosing on something from the drug store the Sunday I drove back, but…” He began to cry again, voice shaking as he finishes his story. “But…my dad was my dad, and my mom was my mom, and Dana was graduating high school in a week. She took me out for ice cream, and we hung out on the playground pretending to be giants, laughing like idiots, and…” He sighed shakily. “I told her. I told her everything about how I was feeling. And she made me tell Debbie, and then Avi, and then…” Dan rests his head on Arin’s shoulder. “The rest you know.”

“Oh, Dan…” Arin hugs him tighter. “I’m really sorry…I knew the game was supposed to get super fucked up, cause I’d seen some cutscenes, but I didn’t expect there to be death…”

Dan sits up. “But…there has to be a way to save her.” He grips Arin’s arm. “Right?”

Arin runs a hand through his hair. “It probably takes a bajillion years…but yeah, I bet there is.”

“And I bet someone’s done it.” Dan smiles, and then Arin smiles, too. “Can we find it? Can we watch it?”

Arin doesn’t answer, just jumps over to his computer and pulls up YouTube. Dan slides up behind Arin, his chin on top of his head as he drapes himself across the chair, and they watch the “good” ending together.

The final ending, where Sayori is saved.

After it’s over, Arin cancels the autoplay, and they are silent. Arin tils his head back to look at Dan questioningly, and Dan smiles down at him.

“Are you okay?” Arin asks, and somehow, Dan knows he’s not just asking him about how he’s feeling about Sayori.

“Yeah,” Dan says. “Can we finish the episode and go home? I could really use some ice cream.”

Arin nods. “Yeah, for sure. Mind if I join you?”

Dan smiles. “Well, I wasn’t planning on going alone.”

~

Once Dan is back home in his quiet house, belly full of pizza and ice cream, he tosses his laptop on the bed and pulls up Windwaker Episode 19. He pauses the video and scrolls down to the comments section, where he pastes the number for the national suicide hotline.

He also types a simple message: “You’re not as alone as you think you are. I promise.”

Satisfied, he sets a voice memo to remind him to type the same on that episode of Doki Doki Literature Club when it airs, then he stands up and gets changed for bed.

By the time he gets back, the comment has 150 upvotes.

**Author's Note:**

> I quoted Sayori's poem and the text from her death scene, so obviously those don't belong to me.
> 
> Poor Sayori. I love her so much.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed!


End file.
